This baby girl is coming in about 30 days....which makes me smile just to type. I cannot wait to have her here. These days my mind is on constant replay of what the day/night of her birth might be like. I envision holding her little body and seeing her perfect little face for the first time as I say in my heart to her "You are mine and I love you more than you ever will know". For me those first few days have a magic to them that nothing else in life can touch.
This Summer caught me off guard with the level of involvement it required. I didn't fill my calendar up with countless activities but the truth of growing up and having three children in this world just means life is full. It was full. It was lovely. Now school has started for two of my littles this past week so schedules have no potential of slowing down. Slow living and empty schedules satisfy me for a sliver of time, but if you know me well at all you know I thrive in the full.
But I do have this baby coming.
I want to have slow time to just daydream about her, plan for her and ready myself for a new gift to be mama to.
A laundry basket filled with the clothes my other girls have worn sits in the nursery closet waiting for me to find more baby hangers to hang them on. (anyone have a load of baby hangers they no longer want??) Often times with new babies coming the easiest way for me to feel "ready" for them or perhaps in touch with the reality that they will be in my arms soon, is to purchase items for them. I remember visiting Baby Gap right before Vera was born and buying a few little items that would be just for her. As I was washing the baby clothes I came across those items and smiled in remembrance. I like preparing for my babies. Getting our home ready to be their home. But this time around I feel flustered or disorganized or without the funds to fully prepare in the fashion I usually have. Part of me feels like, why do I need to spend money to get ready for a new baby....that sounds shallow and greedy. And part of me feels like, I want this baby girl to feel as planned for and thought about as my other three.....can't she have a few fresh items of her own?
This morning I have already dropped my oldest babe off at school for the whole day. It still makes me teary if I think about it too long. I am sitting across from my current baby girl as she literally eats cream cheese from the tub with a butter knife as the robotic sounds of Mario Bros. is serenading us from the other room as my boy gets his game time on. This season is a good one. Soon I will face another new season and again adjust my sails to the new life and role I am called to. I fear change and welcome it in the same breath. Fear the unknown, grieve the past rhythms' beauty and welcome the new pattern and beat change brings me.
Baby girl, if you ever read this please know that if you come home from the hospital in the same outfit that Vera did, or are wrapped in hand-me-down blankets for your whole infancy, my love for you is as fresh and soaked in delight as it has ever been for my babies! I have loved spending this slice of sweet morning daydreaming about you.